Donny Jr. Pleads the Fifth

Donald Trump Jr. gave a new, fifth version of that infamous meeting with a still undetermined number of Russians in Trump Tower to the Senate Judiciary staff. In case you’ve lost track, here is a rundown of the five stories.

STORY #1

I got a call from Jared asking me if I wanted to meet this hot Russian babe; a former gymnast who had become a lawyer. We met for a few minutes in Dad’s Tower. And, yeah, she was super-hot. I mean like, petrified woody inducing hot. When she crossed her legs, Jared yelped like a puppy. Can’t remember her name; Nadia, Natasha, Ludmilla. Some commie-girl’s name. All I remember are those powerful thighs of hers. God Almighty! My ribs hurt just thinking about them.

STORY #2

No, no, as I recall now, Jared and I met with two Russians and the hottie chippy lawyer to talk about procuring…I mean, adopting some young Russian girls for my brother, Barron. It’s lonely up in the Tower. Wait, there may have been four or five Russians. Okay, now that I think about it, the whole Bolshoi Ballet company was there. The meeting may have lasted ten minutes. Can’t remember. Just remember my ribs were bruised that night.

STORY #3

Okay, okay. Now I remember. I was negotiating a deal with a group of Russian businessmen. I was trying to unload a warehouse full of Trump Vodka on the Russian Red Army as payment on our overdue loans. The whole Russian army are a bunch of alcoholics. Hell, these Russia booze hounds will drink Vitalis hair oil in a pinch. I can’t recall the details of this meeting. But the hottie chippy lawyer and I went to a local cantina and had beer and tequila shots afterward.

STORY #4

Jared reminded me that the Russian loan sharks Dad owes money to were threatening to toss Ivanka in a wood chipper head first, like that scene in “Fargo”, if they didn’t get their money. Jared and I met with the loan sharks and offered them Eric instead. Can’t remember how things turned out, but haven’t seen Eric in days.

STORY #5

According to my previously lost notes, I received an email from a Russian operative telling me he had an incriminating video of Hillary Clinton documenting her total unfitness to be president. To the best of my recollection, it was a video of Hillary doing her Pilates exercise routine. I mean, this bitch can’t do one single push-up. She’s totally unfit to be president.

THE REAL STORY

Fine. I guess I must fess up. What really happened was I met the Russian hottie chippy lawyer in Dad’s Tower. We watched Akira Kurosawa’s classic movie “Rashomon.” Very interesting concept. We ordered tacos from our favorite local Mexican cantina. We drank way too much beer and tequila shots. We may have had sex, I don’t remember. All I remember is waking up in the ER with three cracked ribs.

The Alt Left Anti-Pasta Agitators

Alt Left Nutritionists staged Pro Low Carb Diet Rallies in San Francisco and Seattle. A Baker’s Dozen of neo-Nazi, KKK, White Nationalist and disgruntled, disillusioned, ex-Weight Watchers patriots showed up to protest the rally brandishing triple-decker bacon cheeseburgers and weaponized pieces of fried chicken

Chants of “To-fu will not replace us” could be heard among the chubby, wobbling, constantly snacking anti-rally protesters. President Trump was quick to respond.

Trump: “These anti-pasta agitators are a moral threat to our constitutional right to comfort food. They are needlessly endangering the record elevated levels of blood sugar and cholesterol in those beautiful, zaftig American citizens. It must stop now.”

A local reporter asked one of the protesters, dressed in Nazi regalia, what she, as a Nazi, had against a low carb diet.

Nazi Girl: “These Alt Left diet extremists are engaging in calorie suppression. We are fighting to take our country back and restore lard to its rightful place in our food supply.”

She broke out in song…

“This lard is my lard. This lard is your lard. From California taco trucks to the New York Deli. This lard was made for you and me.”

Reporter: “But what does that have to do with being a neo-Nazi?”

Nazi Girl: “We no longer call ourselves neo-Nazi’s. We refer to ourselves now as the neo-Nacho Party and our flag is a tasty representation of melted cheese and corn chips arranged in the shape of a swastika.”

Violence eventually erupted as the Alt Right pelted the Alt Left with jelly doughnuts and cream cheese and bagels. The Alt Left responded in kind by hurling exploding bags of salad greens in their midst and spraying them with light olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

At a press conference the following day, President Trump made a strong, unequivocal statement about the previous day’s events.

Trump: “I reviewed the footage of the Low Carb Rally very carefully. Very carefully. In between slices of pizza and a Diet Coke, I reviewed the footage very, very carefully. I mean, like Mueller reviewing my financial ties to Russia carefully. And I can tell you I saw a lot of violence and over-eating on both sides. Both sides. Believe me!”

Trump then took a huge gulp of Diet Coke and belched out the word E-E-E VAN K-A-A-A-A!

Trump: “Oh, excuse me. That’s a little game I used to play with Ivanka when she was a little girl. She loved it. Still does. Right, sweetie?”

Ivanka slowly melted underneath the table.

Following the rally and Trump’s remarks, city mayors around the country announced statues of Bob’s Big Boy and Col. Sanders will be taken down as a gesture of solidarity with the Alt Left Nutritionists. President Trump fired back.

Trump: “I already had planned to let Bob’s Big Boy and Col Sanders go. However, I’m happy to announce the tremendous addition of Ronald McDonald to my White House staff. Ronald will take his place alongside all the other clowns in my administration.”

Thus Spoke Trumpathustra

Trump reacted quickly, decisively, coherently and presidentially to the tragic events in Barcelona. Here’s what he had to say.

Trump speaks:

“I just got word of the horrible, horrible events in Spanish-speaking Barcelona, our good neighbors to the south. I just got off the phone with my close, friend, President Peña Nieto, to tell him how sorry I was so many non-rapist Mexicans were hurt south of our well-protected border. He seemed a bit confused. Too many tequila shots and beer, I guess.

I explained to President Penn and Teller, that if I had built the wall, like I suggested, and he had paid for it, this tragedy could have been avoided. If my beautiful 40-foot high, solar panel wall had been in place, the terrorist driving the van, would have crashed into it. He obviously was high on illegal, Mexican drugs. All I heard in response from President Penny Pincher was a very loud, Que?

It would be nice if they spoke English down there. I’m sure there were dozens of American tourists who shouted: “Look out Pancho!” But, they only speak Mexican in Barcelona, so the warning fell on deaf, undocumented ears.”

He continued.

“There was a report that there could be possible terrorist links connected to North Africa. Therefore, I’ve ordered Jeff Sessions, Alex Jones and Sheriff Joe Arpaio to investigate Black Lives Matter, The New and Improved Black Panthers, the NBA and Motown terror cells operating in North African cities like Detroit, Newark and Baltimore. Swift justice will be meted out to these guilty thugs by inflicting severe head concussions and brain trauma as they are being shoved into cop cars.”

Trump concluded with:

“I watched the events very closely. More closely than anybody, because I spend all my time watching TV and tweeting. I know that most of those people were not neo-Nazi’s, KKK, White Nationalists or any other hate group that supports me. These people were just peacefully, innocently and quietly protesting the removal of statues of their historical heroes, Franco and Torquemada, from a Barcelona Kiddie Park. Sad. Very sad, because Franco Harris was a great football player, even though he was from the North African city of Pittsburgh.

The totally fake, ultra-Alt Left, Mexican media is trying to change history and culture. Who’s next? Cesar Chavez? Cesar Romero? Juan Marichal? Cantinflas?”

In a one-word tweet, President Peña Nieto responded with:
QUE?

Hate...A Many Splendored Thing

Following today’s violence instigated by various white nationalists, neo-Nazi and KKK groups in Charlottesville, Virginia, President Trump was quick to denounce the violence in no uncertain, unequivocal terms.

Trump: “I condemn the hatred and bigotry that comes from many side. From many sides. MANY SIDES! It’s not just the sides that support me and that I give a wink and an approving nod to.”

Hatred and bigotry from many sides? When is the last time Black Lives Matters turned a water cannon on a burning cross at a KKK Rally? Well, wait there was that one incident that the Fake News didn’t report.

Somewhere in a city park in Deplorableville…

KKK Kaye: “We was just peacefully burning a cross at our rally, when out of nowhere, a bunch of Black Lives Matter terrorists stormed our camp and turned a water cannon on our burning cross and put it out. We all got soaking wet, which was a shock to our bodies since many of us only bathe on a seasonal basis. We lit up another cross to dry our clothes and cook some road kill.”

KKK Kenny: “I got dibs on the squirrel jerky.”

At the news conference, the following day…

Trump: “The recent terrorist attack on my great friends…uh, I mean…those peaceful KKK citizens exercising their First Amendment Rights was horrible. Most of you probably don’t know but it was a Burning Cross that spoke directly to Moses on Mt. Cyanide. That, I can tell you.”

NY Times Reporter: “Uh, excuse me, Mr. President it’s Mt. Sinai and it was a Burning Bush.”

Trump: “A Burning Bush? You mean to tell me George W. Bush had the clap?”

Eddie Haskell Calling Eliot Ness

Political Junkie scooped the failing New York Times, the fake Washington Post and the slanted CNN, by acquiring the telephone transcript of Trump’s “make nice” phone call to Robert Mueller. It was basically Eddie Haskell (Trump) trying to pump smoke up Eliot Ness’s slacks (Mueller) to get him to lighten up on his investigation of all things Trump and Russia.

RING! RING! RING!

Trump: “Hi, Bobby. Just wanted to let you know I appreciate all the magnificent work you and your army of high-priced lawyers are doing on this investigation. The world has never seen anything like it before. That I can tell you.”

Mueller: “Who is this?”

Trump: “It’s me, the leader of free world.”

Mueller: “Oh, Chancellor Merkel. I didn’t recognize your voice.”

Trump: “No, it’s President Trump. Just calling to give you a small, orange, thumbs up on your investigation.,”

Mueller: “Thanks. We’re all having a good time. I love the small of probable cause and a court sanctioned search warrant in the morning.””

Trump: “You play golf, Bobby? I own a few fantastic golf courses. We should play.”

Mueller: “No thanks. That would be unethical.”

Trump: “Really? Listen, I’m like totally innocent here. Okay, sure, I pissed on a few Russian hookers. Who hasn’t? It’s done all the time. They consider it an insult if you don’t.

Mueller: “Uh huh.”

Trump: “I mean, Bill Clinton not only pissed on Russian hookers, he fucked them at the same time Hillary was making tons of money giving speeches to the commie politburo in Moscow. You might want to investigate that. But, you know, it’s up to you.”

Mueller: “Uh huh.”

Trump: “You like young girls, Bobby? I can get you backstage at the next Miss Teen USA Pageant while the girls are half-naked and getting dressed. I do it all the time. They consider it an insult if you don’t.”

Mueller: “Definitely not. That would be wrong.”

Trump: “You know best, Bobby. Do what you think is right.”

Mueller: “You can count on it.”

Trump: “I’m sure you know Hillary sold all our uranium to the Russians and Obama wire-tapped my office in Trump Tower. Should you be considering that?”

Mueller: “Both those assertions have no basis in fact.”

Trump: “How about young boys? You like young boys, Bobby? I can arrange a private hot tub date with you and Jared Kushner. It’s up to you.”

CLICK!

Trump: “Hello! You still there, Bob?”

Fusion Confusion

Steve Bannon is on the phone with Alex Jones.

Bannon: “Are you sure, Alex?”

Jones: “I’m sure. I have this intel on good, reliable authority. You need to tell the president right now.”

Bannon rushes out to the golf course. He hops in a golf cart and races out to the 13^th green as the president is getting ready to tee off.

Bannon: “Mr. President! I have important breaking news.”

Trump: “Is this fake news, Steve? I don’t need fake news right now. I’m 12 over par and this is a tough par 5 I’m looking at.”

Bannon: “Sir, I just received intel from Alex Jones that Chick Corea is planning a massive, nuclear jazz fusion musical attack on our soil.”

Trump: “We gotta get tough with those goddam jazz pianists.”

Bannon: “You’re right, sir. What will be our response?”

Trump: “Gotta get tough. Corea will be met with Earth, Wind and Fire and a Tower of Power the likes of which he’s never heard before. Lots of brass and falsetto harmonies. He’ll never know what hit him.”

Bannon: “You need me to fix your score card, sir?”

Trump: Yeah, knock off about 25 strokes.”

Mooch Ado About Nothing

Two weeks ago, …

It’s late at night in the Oval Office. Trump is making a phone call.

Trump: “Hello. Is this the failing New York times? Yes, this is John Barron. I’m an anonymous source close to the White House. I have something I’d like to leak to you for tomorrow’s paper. Right, well I have it good authority that Jeff Sessions is a bedwetter and sleeps with a binky.”

Just then, Melania pops her head in the door.

Melania: “Donald, are your multiple-personalities making phone calls again?”

Trump: “No, no. go back to sleep.”

Trump enters a secret room with mirrors on the ceiling, floor and walls. He peers intently as his multiple reflections.

Trump: “Are you talking to me? You talking to me? Well, there’s nobody else here except you, me and all those other guys.”

Fast forward to present…

The Mooch shows up for his first day at work. He walks up to White House receptionist.

Mooch: “Yo, Baby Cakes. I’m looking for Rinse Previous. Where the fuck is that leaking dirt bag?”

Baby Cakes: “First of all, don’t call me Baby Cakes and who the hell is Rinse Previous? Are you talking about Reince Priebus?”

Mooch: “Yeah, that guy. Reince Priebus is a stupid name. Hard to spell and pronounce. Can’t even Google the little clock socker. So, I call him Rinse Previous.”

Baby Cakes: “Mr. Previous, uh, I mean…Mr. Priebus doesn’t work here anymore. He…”

Mooch pulls out a pistol fixed with a silencer and takes aim at Baby Cakes.

Mooch: “Don’t give me the run around Twinkle Tits. I know Previous and all the other leakers are here in the White House and I’m here on orders from the guy I love, Donald J. Trump, to plug the leaks.”

He pumps three rounds into Twinkle T…I, mean. Baby Cakes…I’, mean…the receptionist.

Poof! Poof! Poof!

Down the hall, two White House staffers are chatting and texting about the lunch menu.

Staffer #1: “Hey, did you hear that noise?”

Staffer #2: “Yeah, that poof, poof, poof. What do you think it was?

Staffer #1: “Don’t know. Sounded like a mouse farting under a pillow.”

The Mooch approaches the two staffers

Mooch: “What are you two assholes texting about? Classified, national security secrets to the goddam media?”

Staffer #1: “No, just texting how much we like the cheese cake…”

Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof!

The staffers crumple dead on the floor.

Mooch: “Cheese cake, my ass. You cheese dicks were leaking confidential information.”

He reloads and makes his way to the White House restroom. Inside, two guys are standing in front of urinals relieving themselves.

Guy #1: “Man, I got to drink lessl coffee. Makes me piss like a horse.”

Guy #2: “Get that prostate checked dude. Hey, what’s that poofing sound I keep hearing.?”

Guy #2: “Sounds like Kushner cutting the cheese.”

They laugh. Just then, Mooch busts down the door.

Mooch: “Maybe it sounds more like a mouse fating under a pillow, huh? Are you two guys leaking secrets to the press””?

Guy #1: "No man, we’re just taking a leak.”

Mooch: "Well, zip up Secretariat. It’s curtains for both of you.”

Poof! Poof!

Mooch enters Oval Office. He finds Trump on the phone.

Trump: "Hello. Is this the Washington Post, member of the fake media? This is John Miller, anonymous source close to the White House. I have some info for you. Steve Bannon never bathes and routinely eats road kill for lunch.”

Mooch: “Mr. President! Was that you on the phone leaking to the press?”

Trump: “No, Mooch. No. I’m a builder, not a leaker. That I can tell you. I hate leakers. Believe me. You do believe me, don’t you Mooch?”

POOF!

Mooch: “I fucking resign!”