STORY #1
I got a call from Jared asking me if I wanted to meet this hot Russian
babe; a former gymnast who had become a lawyer. We met for a few minutes in Dad’s
Tower. And, yeah, she was super-hot. I mean like, petrified woody inducing hot. When she
crossed her legs, Jared yelped like a puppy. Can’t remember her name; Nadia,
Natasha, Ludmilla. Some commie-girl’s name. All I remember are those powerful
thighs of hers. God Almighty! My ribs hurt just thinking about them.
STORY #2
No, no, as I recall now, Jared and I met with two Russians and the hottie
chippy lawyer to talk about procuring…I mean, adopting some young Russian girls
for my brother, Barron. It’s lonely up in the Tower. Wait, there may have been
four or five Russians. Okay, now that I think about it, the whole Bolshoi Ballet
company was there. The meeting may have lasted ten minutes. Can’t remember.
Just remember my ribs were bruised that night.
STORY #3
Okay, okay. Now I remember. I was negotiating a deal with a group of Russian
businessmen. I was trying to unload a warehouse full of Trump Vodka on the
Russian Red Army as payment on our overdue loans. The whole Russian army are a
bunch of alcoholics. Hell, these Russia booze hounds will drink Vitalis hair
oil in a pinch. I can’t recall the details of this meeting. But the hottie
chippy lawyer and I went to a local cantina and had beer and tequila shots afterward.
STORY #4
Jared reminded me that the Russian loan sharks Dad owes money to were threatening
to toss Ivanka in a wood chipper head first, like that scene in “Fargo”, if
they didn’t get their money. Jared and I met with the loan sharks and offered
them Eric instead. Can’t remember how things turned out, but haven’t seen Eric
in days.
STORY #5
According to my previously lost notes, I received an email from a Russian
operative telling me he had an incriminating video of Hillary Clinton
documenting her total unfitness to be president. To the best of my recollection,
it was a video of Hillary doing her Pilates exercise routine. I mean, this
bitch can’t do one single push-up. She’s totally unfit to be president.
THE REAL STORY
Fine. I guess I must fess up. What really happened was I met the Russian
hottie chippy lawyer in Dad’s Tower. We watched Akira Kurosawa’s classic movie “Rashomon.”
Very interesting concept. We ordered tacos from our favorite local Mexican
cantina. We drank way too much beer and tequila shots. We may have had sex, I don’t
remember. All I remember is waking up in the ER with three cracked ribs.
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