The Alt Left Anti-Pasta Agitators

Alt Left Nutritionists staged Pro Low Carb Diet Rallies in San Francisco and Seattle. A Baker’s Dozen of neo-Nazi, KKK, White Nationalist and disgruntled, disillusioned, ex-Weight Watchers patriots showed up to protest the rally brandishing triple-decker bacon cheeseburgers and weaponized pieces of fried chicken

Chants of “To-fu will not replace us” could be heard among the chubby, wobbling, constantly snacking anti-rally protesters. President Trump was quick to respond.

Trump: “These anti-pasta agitators are a moral threat to our constitutional right to comfort food. They are needlessly endangering the record elevated levels of blood sugar and cholesterol in those beautiful, zaftig American citizens. It must stop now.”

A local reporter asked one of the protesters, dressed in Nazi regalia, what she, as a Nazi, had against a low carb diet.

Nazi Girl: “These Alt Left diet extremists are engaging in calorie suppression. We are fighting to take our country back and restore lard to its rightful place in our food supply.”

She broke out in song…

“This lard is my lard. This lard is your lard. From California taco trucks to the New York Deli. This lard was made for you and me.”

Reporter: “But what does that have to do with being a neo-Nazi?”

Nazi Girl: “We no longer call ourselves neo-Nazi’s. We refer to ourselves now as the neo-Nacho Party and our flag is a tasty representation of melted cheese and corn chips arranged in the shape of a swastika.”

Violence eventually erupted as the Alt Right pelted the Alt Left with jelly doughnuts and cream cheese and bagels. The Alt Left responded in kind by hurling exploding bags of salad greens in their midst and spraying them with light olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

At a press conference the following day, President Trump made a strong, unequivocal statement about the previous day’s events.

Trump: “I reviewed the footage of the Low Carb Rally very carefully. Very carefully. In between slices of pizza and a Diet Coke, I reviewed the footage very, very carefully. I mean, like Mueller reviewing my financial ties to Russia carefully. And I can tell you I saw a lot of violence and over-eating on both sides. Both sides. Believe me!”

Trump then took a huge gulp of Diet Coke and belched out the word E-E-E VAN K-A-A-A-A!

Trump: “Oh, excuse me. That’s a little game I used to play with Ivanka when she was a little girl. She loved it. Still does. Right, sweetie?”

Ivanka slowly melted underneath the table.

Following the rally and Trump’s remarks, city mayors around the country announced statues of Bob’s Big Boy and Col. Sanders will be taken down as a gesture of solidarity with the Alt Left Nutritionists. President Trump fired back.

Trump: “I already had planned to let Bob’s Big Boy and Col Sanders go. However, I’m happy to announce the tremendous addition of Ronald McDonald to my White House staff. Ronald will take his place alongside all the other clowns in my administration.”