A Tale of Two Jareds

Why do the TV talking heads, like MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, keep asking if Jared Kushner is naïve, misguided, inexperienced or just didn’t know what he was doing when he planned to open a secret, direct line to Moscow in the Russian embassy before Trump’s inauguration? Jared is none of those things.

Like his daddy-in-law, Kushner is a rich, spoiled, privileged, preppy boy who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else and above and beyond the law.

Recall that Trump believes he can shoot someone on 5^th Avenue and no one, including the victim, would hold it against him.

Bystander: “Sir, you’ve been shot in broad daylight here on 5^th Avenue, in cold blood, by Donald Trump. Aren’t you upset?”

Victim: “No, no. It’s okay. He’s a rich guy. Gonna make America great again. Besides, that’s probably a very expensive pistol and it’s my fault I got in the way. He was aiming for that Mexican guy operating that taco truck on the corner. No, it’s okay. Just tell my wife I’ll be a little late for dinner. Maybe I can get some takeout from the taco truck.”

Jared isn’t naïve. He’s one of those richy-rich, smarty pants preppy boys who’s so arrogantly, supremely self-confident, his hubris encompasses four time zones. Precisely like Leopold and Loeb back in the Twenties.

Leopold and Loeb kidnapped and murdered a young boy just to prove they could outfox, outsmart, outwit the cops and not get caught. They got caught.

Jared was going to make a super clandestine connection with a Russian bank to cut business deals through the Russian embassy under the guise of having talks with Putin about Syria. Right! Even the Russian ambassador thought that was exceedingly ballsey of Kushner. So, his plan was to just walk into the Russian embassy and not get noticed?

FGI Agent: “Mr. Kushner, I’m an FBI agent. Why are you going into the Russian embassy? By the way, that’s quite a pair you’re packing in those Dockers.”

Kushner: “Oh thanks, but I’m not Jared Kushner. I’m a Jedi knight. You don’t see me. Direct you gaze to the Mexican taco truck vendor across the street. He’s selling tacos filled with tainted meat.”

FBI Agent: “Tainted meat. Tainted meat. Must stop taco truck vendor.”

Oddly enough though, no one has heard Jared speak. He never gives interviews. There’s a very tragic reason for this situation. Jared suffered a terrible sword swallowing accident when he inadvertently hiccupped severing his vocal chords. He received the vocal chords of a dolphin in an experimental transplant operation. But now, he only rarely communicates in chirps, squeaks, clicks and whistles.

There were side effects. I have it from a reliable, unnamed White House source that Jared sleeps in the moat surrounding Trump’s Florida Forbidden Fortress, Mar-A-Lago.

However, if things keep going sour for Kushner he may be sleeping with the fishes or doing hard time with that other notorious, discredited Jared of Subway sandwich fame. Maybe they’ll work in the prison kitchen together.

Subway Jared: “Hey Kushner, you’re putting too much mayo on that turkey club.”

Kushner: “Click, click, click, chirp, squeak, squeak, whistle, click, chirp.”

Subway Jared: “Okay, that’s better. Don’t let it happen again.”

Invasion of the Party Snatchers

 During the height of the Red Scare, as the Cold War sizzled and paranoia had everyone looking under their beds for the commie boogie man, Don Siegel’s classic 1956 horror film, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, was a brilliant allegorical, cautionary tale of the Red Menace infiltrating and taking over the country.

At the time of its release, film theorists debated about the true underlying message of Siegel’s film. Maybe, some argued, it was (A) all about the UFO hysteria that had gripped the country following the infamous Roswell, New Mexico UFO incident in 1947.

Or, others said, it’s (B) about the Atomic Bomb. Those mad scientists, dressed in starched, white lab coasts, with weird sounding last names, had unleased some demonic force and aliens from outer space were coming to control us so we couldn’t harm other planets.

The correct answer is(C).

 Invasion of the Body Snatchers was Siegel’s warning of a Kremlin-led, communist infiltration and takeover. Sixty years later, we are now confronted with the sequel to Siegel’s masterpiece; Invasion of the Party Snatchers.

Ever since The Orange Menace (Donald J. Trump) descended from the nether regions of his Evil Dark Tower on that escalator and announced his candidacy for president, we have been inundated with more and more evidence that Trump is indeed “The Manchurian Candidate” in Jabba the Hut’s body, posing as a New York City real estate wheeler dealer.

This time though, the Russians were more focused; they only left pods in the basements of Republicans. They’ve “snatched” the whole party. Apparently, the whole Republican party has been reborn as Russian agents and have hammer and sickle tattoos on their asses.

Every time you turn around, another Republican politician is found to have financial ties, in one way or another, to Moscow. The latest one being the newly elected Greg “The Body Slammer” Gianforte of Montana.

President Trump is trying to turn the congress into an off-shore politburo for his Puppet Master, Putin. And the Republicans are going along with it. Soon, they’ll all be wearing ill-fitting, badly tailored, shabby, gray suits, smoke and drink too much and sport cheap haircuts like their Russian counterparts.

The metamorphosis of the Republicans into commie comrades is amazing to behold, but can’t be denied.

If a Hillary administration was blatantly playing footsie with the Russians like Trump, Flynn, Kushner, et al, she would have already have been burned at the stake and it would have been carried live on Fox News.

“Tonight, on Fox News, a special Friar’s Roast of President Hillary Clinton. She’ll be fried and roasted for getting too cozy with the Kremlin. Don’t touch that dial, it could be very, very hot!”

Our only hope to rid ourselves of The Orange Menace and the Invasion of the Party Snatchers, is former G-Man, Robert Mueller and the FBI investigation into all Russian things that go Trump in the night. J. Edgar’s boys have been tracking down fellow travelers since before World War I. But this time, like Pogo famously observed: “I have seen the enemy and he is us.”

Somewhere down in Hell, Senator Joseph McCarthy is looking up, smiling and saying to himself, “I told you so.”

Sanctuary for Melania?

Following the revealing video of Melania swatting away Donald’s hand as they walked off the plane in Tel Aviv, the rumors are flying around the world that all is not so hunky-dory in the Trump household.

And who can blame her? After the release of that Access Hollywood tape, I can say with absolute “surety” that tape had an extremely negative effect on Melania’s perception of Trump. Her citizenship in doubt and marriage in shambles, it won’t be long before Melania leaves the Trump Tower and seeks sanctuary.

Establish shot: A small Catholic church somewhere in East LA.

Melania: “Hello, is anyone here? I’m seeking sanctuary.”

Father Tomas: “Of course, my child. We welcome all undocumented immigrants.”

Melania: “Perfect. Gosh, this is just like that movie, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sanctuary at last. I feel like Esmeralda. Do you have a hunchback bell ringer here?”

Father Tomas: “Well, no. But, Gomez, our undocumented altar boy has very bad posture.”

Melania: “Pity. I thought the hunchback was kinda cute.”

Father Tomas: “Why do you seek sanctuary, my child?”

Melania: “From the president. My husband. I just can’t stand him touch me anymore.”

Father Tomas: “Oh, you’re the First Lady! I didn’t recognize you with all your clothes on.”

Melania: “That was a long time ago, father.”

Father Tomas: “Of course, of course. I need to burn all those old magazines.”

Melania: “I just can’t stand Donald touching me with those nasty, little orange hands. I don’t know where they’ve been or what he’s been grabbing.”

Father Tomas: “He deflowered you, soiled you with his vulgar shame. Tell me though, that long, apron-like neck tie he wears, does it double as a hand towel.”

Melania: “Yes, it does. I just wanted to be a wealthy socialite, trophy wife and wear expensive, designer clothes and look good.”

Father Tomas: “You’re safe here, my child.”

The next day, a platoon of ICE agent goons led by Jeff Sessions show up at the little Catholic church.

Sessions: “Open up preacher man. We know Melania is in there!”

Father Tomas: “This is a holy, sacred place of sanctuary.”

Sessions: “Horseshit! This ain’t The Hunchback of Notre Dame and she ain’t Esmeralda. There is no more sanctuary in America.”

Father Tomas: “May God forgive me for saying this, but you go straight to Hell, Jeff Sessions!”

Sessions: “I’m from goddam Alabama, padre. I’d feel right at home in Hell.”

Meanwhile, Gomez puts Melania in his VW Bug and roars off down south towards Mexico.

Melania: “Where are we going, Gomez?”

Gomez: “Mexico. To Puerto Escondido. Beautiful beaches there.”

Melania: “Sounds lovely. You know, Gomez, I look really hot in a bikini.”

Gomez: “I know. I’ve seen Father Tomas’s magazines.”

Melania notices that Gomez is slouched over the steering wheel.

Melania: “Gomez, straighten up and roll back your shoulders. Do you want to turn into a hunchback?”

Gomez: “Whatever rings your bell, Esmeralda.”

Jared Kushner: On A Short List of One

The FBI announced a high-ranking White House official, close to the president, is a “significant person of interest” in their investigation of Russiagate. C’mon, we all know who it is: Jared Kushner. Who else? It’s already well-known Kushner has had some questionable financial dealings with the Russians. Question is, what is Trump going to do about it?

Given his admiration for North Korean strong boy, President Egg Foo Yung, Trump will take a page out of Yung’s playbook based on his Dale Carnegie-inspired autobiography, How to Make Friends and Influence People to Kill Your Relatives, and throw Kushner under the bus.

The process has already started…

Bannon: “Hey boss, want me to start up the bus? This Kushner kid is becoming a real liability. We need to get rid of him.”

Trump: “You’re right Steve. You’re always right. You’re Alt Right. Hey, I made a joke. The fake media never reports my jokes. Bastards.”

Bannon: “You got it boss. I’m on it.”

Trump: “You’ll need some muscle. Get Rudy and Christie to help you toss him under the bus.”

Ivanka: “No Daddy! No! Not Jared. Why Jared? Why not that Johnny Reb Hobbit, Jeff Sessions?”

Trump: “Sweetie, I need Jeff to kick out all the Mexican filth that has crossed the border illegally and voted for Hillary robbing me of a popular vote victory. He’ll be doing the ribbon-cutting ceremony at The Wall, when it’s built.”

Ivanka: “OK, but what has Jared done? He’s been loyal. That’s all that matters, right?”

Trump: “He’s a nut case, a hot dogger, a kosher hot dog to be sure, but a hot dogger and worst of all, a showboat. I don’t like showboats.”

Ivanka: “Daddy, Jared was in the musical production of Show Boat in college.”

Trump: “So, he’s gay too. Well, he’s done a terrible job of overhauling the government or rethinking the VA. He’s had a hundred days and still no peace in the Middle East.”

Bannon: “We can’t use the bus. Too many bodies piled up there. Might have to use the big backhoe…”

Trump: “Hey, hey, don’t talk about Melania that way, Steve. She’s a world-class trophy wife and a tremendous wet nurse to little Barron.”

Ivanka: “Daddy, Barron is ten years old for God’s sake.”

Trump: “Whatever, Anyway, I’m making a speech to a bunch of Moslems. I love the Moslems, especially their prophet, Muhammad. Great, great guy. Knew him when he was heavyweight champ. He’s a draft-dodger like me, you know; bone spurs in his hands, I think. But Jared let me down by not getting this Middle East crisis fixed before this trip.”

Bannon: “Boss, we got no bus. What do you want to do with Kushner”?

Trump: “Oh, you, Rudy and Christie just rough him up a bit.”

Bannon: “How so?”

Trump: “I don’t know. Strip him and make him wear off-the-rack clothes.”

Ivanka: “No Daddy! No! Not off-the-rack clothes!”

Trump's Wall of Sound

There isn’t going to be any wall across the southern border of the U.S. All that talk about building a wall and making Mexico pay for it was just a campaign dog whistle for Trump supporters. Besides, Trump didn’t really think he was going to win, so he wasn’t going to have to follow up on that promise.

But surprise, surprise, he won. Say thank you to FBI Director Comey, Mr., Trump. Okay, so what about that wall?

Well, first you appoint a tough law and order attorney with an impeccable white supremacist, anti-immigrant history and voting record. Welcome Jeff Sessions.

Sessions: “We need to keep out all that filth creeping across our border.”

Gosh, I thought the Canadians were a pretty squeaky clean bunch of boring folks from The Great White North

Sessions: “No! I meant the Mexican border. That filth.”

Sessions went on to detail how the Mexican drug cartels are running rampant in our cities, raping, pillaging, dealing drugs, mowing lawns, busing tables, murdering Americans left and right.

Sessions: “Now, not all these fellas are so bad. Met a couple of them in Tijuana recently. I was there for the bull fights and tacos. They came up to me and asked me if I’d be nice enough to take this little backpack of oregano across to San Diego for them. I said I’d think about it. And one of them said, “Mira gringo, plomo o plata?” Well, I don’t speak Mexican, but it sounded like he was offering me a plum on a plate. Nice Fella.”

A coast-to-coast, 50-foot high wall is economically, politically, physically and morally impossible. So what are the alternatives?

How about one of those invisible, electronic fences used to keep dogs in their own yards?

Trump: “We tried that. Just wound up tazeing a few illegals and a bunch of Chihuahuas. Poor things laying on the ground quivering like freshly caught trout. I’m talking about the Chihuahuas, not the illegals. Most of them went up in flames in a huge grease fire.  Ivanka said I should feel bad about it. I’ll make an announcement next week.”

Well, how about borrowing a page from legendary music producer and convicted murderer, Phil Spector? A Wall of Sound.

Trump: “Phil is a tremendous guy. Great, great guy. He didn’t do anything wrong. Never should have gone to trial, in my opinion You know, he fired a pistol and someone leaned their head into the line of fire. Happens all the time. I’ve killed several people on 5^th Avenue that way and I became president.”

How about a Phil Spector-like Wall of Sound? You could put a series of speakers across the entire border blasting out recordings of Trump rally speeches and those agonizing teleprompter addresses. Just the blatant insincerity oozing out of him would be enough to turn back any bad hombres from crossing the border to bring their filth, crime, and ESL needs.

“Hey muchachos, this Wall of Sound is driving me mucho loco. Let’s take our filth somewhere else. Who’s up for digging a tunnel to Canada?”

Face it. This wall is another hyperbolic development bullshit scheme by Trump. He’s done it before; a huge hotel in Moscow, 150-story high skyscrapers. All bullshit. This idea of a wall across our southern border is a metaphor for all things Trump: A wall of sound and fury signifying absolutely nothing.

But an actual Wall of Sound might work. Why not? It worked for The Ronettes.

By the way, Sessions got a cool tattoo in Tijuana, along with a hot dose of the clap.

The Bigly Easter Egg Roll

To once again outdo the Obama administration, President Trump ordered the largest dinosaur eggs available be used in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll.

“We got some unbelievable, huge brontosaurus eggs. Tremendous. Believe me. They’re the biggest eggs ever used by any administration. That I can tell you."

However, there were unforeseen consequences.

It was reported that several undocumented Mexican immigrants were hired to spray paint the eggs in Easter colors.

“Are Easter eggs colored red, white and green with an eagle holding a snake in its beak drawn on them?” asked a puzzled Trump. “And what’s with the little chocolate figures of Pancho Villa.””
Things got worse from there.

During the egg roll, several small children were bowled over by the super large eggs. Fortunately, no broken bones, just some bruises and a few mild concussions. But several kids pulled back muscles trying to lift the eggs.

Sean Spicer explained the mishap during his daily press briefing:

“These kinds of holiday operations have some collateral damage. Despite one or two insignificant injuries, the president considered his first Easter Egg Roll a complete success.”

Conservative radio talk show host and ubiquitous Trump apologist, Hugh Hewitt said on MSNBC:

“We got Neil Gorsuch on the Supreme Court. That was a big victory for the president. The biased media will make a huge deal out of a few kids getting mangled on the White House South Lawn, but it will dissipate. Did I mention Neil Gorsuch?”

Angry over the negative news reports about the Dinosaur Easter Egg Roll, Trump tweeted:

“Why didn’t the fake media report that all the kids only hurt their left arms. Obviously, paid left-wing kids sent by Hillary and Obama.”

White House reportedly will not have any more Easter Egg Rolls. Instead, Trump will host a Playboy Bunny Easter Beauty Pageant at Mar-a-Lago.