A Tale of Two Jareds

Why do the TV talking heads, like MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, keep asking if Jared Kushner is naïve, misguided, inexperienced or just didn’t know what he was doing when he planned to open a secret, direct line to Moscow in the Russian embassy before Trump’s inauguration? Jared is none of those things.

Like his daddy-in-law, Kushner is a rich, spoiled, privileged, preppy boy who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else and above and beyond the law.

Recall that Trump believes he can shoot someone on 5^th Avenue and no one, including the victim, would hold it against him.

Bystander: “Sir, you’ve been shot in broad daylight here on 5^th Avenue, in cold blood, by Donald Trump. Aren’t you upset?”

Victim: “No, no. It’s okay. He’s a rich guy. Gonna make America great again. Besides, that’s probably a very expensive pistol and it’s my fault I got in the way. He was aiming for that Mexican guy operating that taco truck on the corner. No, it’s okay. Just tell my wife I’ll be a little late for dinner. Maybe I can get some takeout from the taco truck.”

Jared isn’t naïve. He’s one of those richy-rich, smarty pants preppy boys who’s so arrogantly, supremely self-confident, his hubris encompasses four time zones. Precisely like Leopold and Loeb back in the Twenties.

Leopold and Loeb kidnapped and murdered a young boy just to prove they could outfox, outsmart, outwit the cops and not get caught. They got caught.

Jared was going to make a super clandestine connection with a Russian bank to cut business deals through the Russian embassy under the guise of having talks with Putin about Syria. Right! Even the Russian ambassador thought that was exceedingly ballsey of Kushner. So, his plan was to just walk into the Russian embassy and not get noticed?

FGI Agent: “Mr. Kushner, I’m an FBI agent. Why are you going into the Russian embassy? By the way, that’s quite a pair you’re packing in those Dockers.”

Kushner: “Oh thanks, but I’m not Jared Kushner. I’m a Jedi knight. You don’t see me. Direct you gaze to the Mexican taco truck vendor across the street. He’s selling tacos filled with tainted meat.”

FBI Agent: “Tainted meat. Tainted meat. Must stop taco truck vendor.”

Oddly enough though, no one has heard Jared speak. He never gives interviews. There’s a very tragic reason for this situation. Jared suffered a terrible sword swallowing accident when he inadvertently hiccupped severing his vocal chords. He received the vocal chords of a dolphin in an experimental transplant operation. But now, he only rarely communicates in chirps, squeaks, clicks and whistles.

There were side effects. I have it from a reliable, unnamed White House source that Jared sleeps in the moat surrounding Trump’s Florida Forbidden Fortress, Mar-A-Lago.

However, if things keep going sour for Kushner he may be sleeping with the fishes or doing hard time with that other notorious, discredited Jared of Subway sandwich fame. Maybe they’ll work in the prison kitchen together.

Subway Jared: “Hey Kushner, you’re putting too much mayo on that turkey club.”

Kushner: “Click, click, click, chirp, squeak, squeak, whistle, click, chirp.”

Subway Jared: “Okay, that’s better. Don’t let it happen again.”