Sanctuary for Melania?

Following the revealing video of Melania swatting away Donald’s hand as they walked off the plane in Tel Aviv, the rumors are flying around the world that all is not so hunky-dory in the Trump household.

And who can blame her? After the release of that Access Hollywood tape, I can say with absolute “surety” that tape had an extremely negative effect on Melania’s perception of Trump. Her citizenship in doubt and marriage in shambles, it won’t be long before Melania leaves the Trump Tower and seeks sanctuary.

Establish shot: A small Catholic church somewhere in East LA.

Melania: “Hello, is anyone here? I’m seeking sanctuary.”

Father Tomas: “Of course, my child. We welcome all undocumented immigrants.”

Melania: “Perfect. Gosh, this is just like that movie, The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sanctuary at last. I feel like Esmeralda. Do you have a hunchback bell ringer here?”

Father Tomas: “Well, no. But, Gomez, our undocumented altar boy has very bad posture.”

Melania: “Pity. I thought the hunchback was kinda cute.”

Father Tomas: “Why do you seek sanctuary, my child?”

Melania: “From the president. My husband. I just can’t stand him touch me anymore.”

Father Tomas: “Oh, you’re the First Lady! I didn’t recognize you with all your clothes on.”

Melania: “That was a long time ago, father.”

Father Tomas: “Of course, of course. I need to burn all those old magazines.”

Melania: “I just can’t stand Donald touching me with those nasty, little orange hands. I don’t know where they’ve been or what he’s been grabbing.”

Father Tomas: “He deflowered you, soiled you with his vulgar shame. Tell me though, that long, apron-like neck tie he wears, does it double as a hand towel.”

Melania: “Yes, it does. I just wanted to be a wealthy socialite, trophy wife and wear expensive, designer clothes and look good.”

Father Tomas: “You’re safe here, my child.”

The next day, a platoon of ICE agent goons led by Jeff Sessions show up at the little Catholic church.

Sessions: “Open up preacher man. We know Melania is in there!”

Father Tomas: “This is a holy, sacred place of sanctuary.”

Sessions: “Horseshit! This ain’t The Hunchback of Notre Dame and she ain’t Esmeralda. There is no more sanctuary in America.”

Father Tomas: “May God forgive me for saying this, but you go straight to Hell, Jeff Sessions!”

Sessions: “I’m from goddam Alabama, padre. I’d feel right at home in Hell.”

Meanwhile, Gomez puts Melania in his VW Bug and roars off down south towards Mexico.

Melania: “Where are we going, Gomez?”

Gomez: “Mexico. To Puerto Escondido. Beautiful beaches there.”

Melania: “Sounds lovely. You know, Gomez, I look really hot in a bikini.”

Gomez: “I know. I’ve seen Father Tomas’s magazines.”

Melania notices that Gomez is slouched over the steering wheel.

Melania: “Gomez, straighten up and roll back your shoulders. Do you want to turn into a hunchback?”

Gomez: “Whatever rings your bell, Esmeralda.”