The Last Garden Party Supper

Trump, our Incredible Hoax President, ordered his version of a Papal Bull, a Papal Bullshit Decree, by commanding the churches open up for services this weekend. He is appealing to his evangelical supporters by allowing the suckers to become unwitting martyrs in his psychotic crusade to kill all of us.

We can only imagine how the trumpvirus pendejodemic would have been handled during the time of the New Testament and how our concept of Christianity, and the iconic stories that are the foundation of that belief system would have to be adjusted.

The Last Grub Hub Last Supper Delivery

A Grub Hub guy arrives at the gate to the Garden in Gethsemane.

Grub Hub: “Okay, I got an order for a Jesus of Nazareth, party of thirteen.”

Jesus approaches the Grub Hub guy.

Jesus: “Yes, my son. That’s me.”

Grub Hub: “Hey, buddy, you’re not wearing a mask.”

Jesus wipes his hand across his face and a mask magically appears on his face.

Grub Hub: “Wow! How did you do that?”

Jesus: “You should have been here yesterday when I turned a 12-ounce can of Lucky Lager into a huge keg of beer.”

Grub Hub: “What the fuck is an ounce? Okay, so I got unleavened bread, bitter herbs, and a case of Diet coke.”

Jesus opens the box of food and looks in it.

Jesus: “I specifically ordered chips and salsa for thirteen. Where’s the chips and salsa?”

Grub Hub: “Excuse me. In case you have lost track of time, this is only 34 A.D., so tomatoes, potatoes and corn won’t make it to this side of the world until the 15^th century.”

Jesus: “What the fuck is a century?”

Grub Hub: “Look, I’m sorry I could not get the chips and salsa, but I threw in an extra-large order of turnip chips and gefilte fish dip.”

Jesus: “Okay, I forgive you, my son, in the name of The Father, Me, and The Holy Ghost. How much do I owe you?”

Grub Hub: “That will be 45 shekels, plus the tip. Uh, no checks or plastic, either.”

Jesus: “What the fuck is plastic?”

Grub Hub: “Plastics. The Graduate…uh, never mind.”

Jesus swipes his hand behind the Grub Hub’s ear and produces a fresh, crisp, 100-shekel bill, out of thin air, and gives it to him.

Jesus: “Here you go, kiddo. Keep the change. Don’t spend it all in one place.”

Grub Hub: “There is only one place, right? This is it, right? Is there another place? The whole world is right here, I’ve seen the maps.”

Jesus: “It’s just a figure of speech, dude. Take the money.”

Grub Hub: “Gee, thanks, Jesus.”

Grub Hub looks closely at the bill.

Grub Hub: “Wait a minute.  Who is this guy, with the weird haircut, pictured on my 100-shekel bill?”

Jesus takes the shekel bill. Looks at it and realizes it is Ben Franklin pictured on the bill.

Jesus: “Whoops! My bad. Hang on.”

Jesus swipes his hand, once again, behind Grub Hub’s ear, miraculously produces another 100-shekel bill, then hands it to Grub Hub. He inspects the 100-shekel bill closely to see who is pictured on it.

Grub Hub: “Awright! Julius Caesar! Big Julie. I love this guy. That’s better. Thanks.”

Jesus: “No problem. Now, go with Dad.”

Grub Hub: “Can I ask you a question?”

Jesus: “Of course, my son.”

Grub Hub: “How come you have a Puerto Rican first name. There are no Jews named Jesus.”

Jesus: “Dad saw the original stage production of West Side Story and named me after one of the Jets. Besides, Sheldon Christ, is not going to inspire a whole new, world-wide religion.”

Grub Hub: “Makes sense. Will you need anything tomorrow?”

Jesus: “No, but maybe this coming Sunday.”

Grub Hub: “This coming Sunday? That’s Easter Sunday. I don’t work holidays.”