Of course, there
would be unforeseen consequences.
Dateline: November
2020
Miguel Fuentes, the
groundskeeper at Trump’s Doral Golf Course, speaks to reporters.
Reporter: “Miguel,
why did you call this news conference?”
Miguel: “Who the fuck’s idea was it to let Trump play golf every
day for seven months? There’s gotta be a billion divots out there. Deep ones,
too. We found two dead caddies at the bottom of a couple of them. They had
fallen in and broken their necks. Another one fell in a divot and survived, but
had to have his legs amputated. He is now strapped to a skateboard. We call him
Porgy.”
Reporter: “What happened to Porgy?”
Miguel: “He’s working as a caddy at a miniature golf course. Jesus
Christ! The course looks like No Man’s Land in All Quiet on the Western
Front. I’ll have to rent a backhoe and bulldozer to fix the place.”
In other news…
Yesterday, all three of Trump’s medical experts defied and
disagreed with him during the press conference. Wait for it…
BREAKING NEWS!
Trump Announces New White House Medical Team!
Trump: “I’m announcing my new, tremendous, incredibly talented,
compliant medical team. First, Dr. Oz. Not too many people know, Dr. Oz was the
personal physician to Dorothy, The Scarecrow, and the Tin Man. The Cowardly Lion,
apparently, was afraid of anal thermometers. Welcome, Dr. Oz. Next, we have Dr.
Phil. Dr. Phil is not a specialist in any recognized field of medicine, but he
sounds like he knows what he is talking about and I love that. Finally, we have…
(he peers out into the audience) …where is my African American?”
Trump peers out into the audience and points to someone…
Trump (continues): “There he is. Stand up, Dr. Dre. Dr. Dre will
be rapping medical advice to the black community. I love the blacks…well,
except for the uppity, black bitches in the press who disrespect me with their
horrible, totally unfair, logical questions.”
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