Staff: “Mr. President, here’s a copy of your
speech. You might want to look it over before you go on the air.”
Trump: “Ivanka, this was supposed to be the
eight-piece, crispy, family meal with extra gravy. There are only four pieces
in here and a carton of cole slaw. How did this goddam carton of cole slaw get
in here.? What am I, a fucking rabbit?”
Ivanka: “sorry, Daddy. I went to the drive-thru
and they said there’s a shortage of fried chicken because so many of the undocumented
immigrants working in the chicken processing plants have died.”
Trump: “Died?” From what, chicken pox? (he
laughs derisively to himself), Chicken pox, that’s a good one”
Pence: “Sir, thanks to your outstanding
leadership, humor is up to its highest levels since the Harding administration.”
Pence pops back down out of sight.
Trump (continues): “When was Tonya Harding
president? Anyway, those immigrants should have gotten vaccinated. Anyone who
wants a vaccination in America can get one. I should know. I got a ton of shots
for the clap in the Seventies.”
Staff: “Sir, you’ve been on the air live for the
last three minutes.”
Trump: “Well, just let me finish this thigh. I
love a good piece of thigh, don’t I Ivanka?”
Ivanka: “DADDY!”
Trump: “Oh, like Jared and the whole world doesn’t
know…”
Announcer: “Live from the Oval Office, President
Donald Trump.”
Trump hastily wipes mouth with napkin, burps loudly
takes a huge gulp of Diet Coke and belches volcanically.
Trump (belches again): “Oops! Good evening my
fellow Americans. I am here to announce my Final Solution Plan for the current
plague that I inherited from Obama. Joining me here tonight are some unfake
reporters from Brietbart, Fox News, One America News and The National Enquirer.”
Reporter: “Mr. President, who came up with the
name, Final Solution?”
Stephen Miller pops up from underneath Trump’s
Resolute Desk.
Stephen Miller: “I did! Heil Hitler!”
Trump pushes Miller back down under the Resolute
Desk.
Trump: “Also sitting behind me are Dr. Tony Fauci
and Debbie Birx. “
Camera pans over to Fauci and Birx. They look
dour and somber. Trump turns around to acknowledge their presence.
Trump: “They look like hostages because they are
scientists and they know I’m going to ask them some lame ass question and they
are going to have to come up with an answer that doesn’t completely contradict me,
but nonetheless eats away at their credibility.”
Reporter: “What is your Final Solution Plan,
sir.”
Trump: “Technically, you should begin your
question with “sir” and end it with “sir”. Want to try it again?”
Reporter: “Sir, what is your Final Solution
Plan, sir.”
Trump: “I’ve been in contact with some of the world’s
leading unicorn breeders and they’ve discovered unicorn urine not only gets rid
of pimples, it can also cure COVID-19.”
FAuci and Birx look at each other and visibly
blanch in horror.
Reporter: “Sir, so, you want everyone to drink
unicorn urine?”
Trump: “Don’t be ridiculous. That would be
unhealthy and unsanitary.”
Reporter: “Sir, so how….”
Trump (interrupts): “I have notified the
commanders of my new, tremendous, Space Force: Sky King, Terry and the Pirates
and the Red Baron…”
Reporter: “sir, the Red Baron? Isn’t your son Barron
a bit young to fly a plane?”
Trump: “I don’t know him very well. Never met
him. But I understand he isn’t even potty trained, much less pilot trained.”
The reporters laugh nervously.
Trump: “We are going to turn the unicorn urine
into an aerosol spray, load it up in huge cannisters, scotch tape them to the
wings of a billion Space Force planes, orbit the Earth at high altitude and
crop dust the whole fucking planet. The virus will be dead in seconds and a grateful
America will crown me Emperor for Life.”
Reporters gasp in amazement and take notes
furiously. Trump turns to look back at Fauci and Birx.
Trump: “I think this sounds interesting. It could
work, right? Maybe. Maybe not. But you will check it out, okay? What have we
got to lose?”
Fauci pulls out a small revolver from his vest
pocket. He shoots Birx in the head, then puts the revolver in his mouth and
pulls the trigger.
BLAM! BLAM!
Reporter: “Oh my God! A murder, suicide right
here in the Oval Office!”
Trump: That’s what you think you saw. That’s
what the fake news will report. What you really saw was a man exercising his
Constitutional Second Amendment Rights.”
Reporters nod in agreement and unison, like an
Oprah audience hearing some bullshit piece of advice from Dr. Phil.
Trump: “Jared, clean up on aisle three.”
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