Mooch Ado About Nothing

Two weeks ago, …

It’s late at night in the Oval Office. Trump is making a phone call.

Trump: “Hello. Is this the failing New York times? Yes, this is John Barron. I’m an anonymous source close to the White House. I have something I’d like to leak to you for tomorrow’s paper. Right, well I have it good authority that Jeff Sessions is a bedwetter and sleeps with a binky.”

Just then, Melania pops her head in the door.

Melania: “Donald, are your multiple-personalities making phone calls again?”

Trump: “No, no. go back to sleep.”

Trump enters a secret room with mirrors on the ceiling, floor and walls. He peers intently as his multiple reflections.

Trump: “Are you talking to me? You talking to me? Well, there’s nobody else here except you, me and all those other guys.”

Fast forward to present…

The Mooch shows up for his first day at work. He walks up to White House receptionist.

Mooch: “Yo, Baby Cakes. I’m looking for Rinse Previous. Where the fuck is that leaking dirt bag?”

Baby Cakes: “First of all, don’t call me Baby Cakes and who the hell is Rinse Previous? Are you talking about Reince Priebus?”

Mooch: “Yeah, that guy. Reince Priebus is a stupid name. Hard to spell and pronounce. Can’t even Google the little clock socker. So, I call him Rinse Previous.”

Baby Cakes: “Mr. Previous, uh, I mean…Mr. Priebus doesn’t work here anymore. He…”

Mooch pulls out a pistol fixed with a silencer and takes aim at Baby Cakes.

Mooch: “Don’t give me the run around Twinkle Tits. I know Previous and all the other leakers are here in the White House and I’m here on orders from the guy I love, Donald J. Trump, to plug the leaks.”

He pumps three rounds into Twinkle T…I, mean. Baby Cakes…I’, mean…the receptionist.

Poof! Poof! Poof!

Down the hall, two White House staffers are chatting and texting about the lunch menu.

Staffer #1: “Hey, did you hear that noise?”

Staffer #2: “Yeah, that poof, poof, poof. What do you think it was?

Staffer #1: “Don’t know. Sounded like a mouse farting under a pillow.”

The Mooch approaches the two staffers

Mooch: “What are you two assholes texting about? Classified, national security secrets to the goddam media?”

Staffer #1: “No, just texting how much we like the cheese cake…”

Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof!

The staffers crumple dead on the floor.

Mooch: “Cheese cake, my ass. You cheese dicks were leaking confidential information.”

He reloads and makes his way to the White House restroom. Inside, two guys are standing in front of urinals relieving themselves.

Guy #1: “Man, I got to drink lessl coffee. Makes me piss like a horse.”

Guy #2: “Get that prostate checked dude. Hey, what’s that poofing sound I keep hearing.?”

Guy #2: “Sounds like Kushner cutting the cheese.”

They laugh. Just then, Mooch busts down the door.

Mooch: “Maybe it sounds more like a mouse fating under a pillow, huh? Are you two guys leaking secrets to the press””?

Guy #1: "No man, we’re just taking a leak.”

Mooch: "Well, zip up Secretariat. It’s curtains for both of you.”

Poof! Poof!

Mooch enters Oval Office. He finds Trump on the phone.

Trump: "Hello. Is this the Washington Post, member of the fake media? This is John Miller, anonymous source close to the White House. I have some info for you. Steve Bannon never bathes and routinely eats road kill for lunch.”

Mooch: “Mr. President! Was that you on the phone leaking to the press?”

Trump: “No, Mooch. No. I’m a builder, not a leaker. That I can tell you. I hate leakers. Believe me. You do believe me, don’t you Mooch?”

POOF!

Mooch: “I fucking resign!”